Back in high school when I was trying to figure out what I was going to do with my career, I thought about being an event planner. I had already filled that role in my friend group and there was something about seeing an event come together from start to finish. I loved compiling lists, setting up schedules, filling blank spaces; I enjoyed having a plan.
When it comes down to it, I’m all about a good plan. If you don’t believe me, somewhere in an old notebook of mine I have a detailed write up of what my funeral should be like. Before anyone panics, I don’t plan on dying until late into my nineties when I hopefully have a handful of grandchildren and stories worth telling.
But, that’s just the sort of person I am. I’m not good at not having a plan when it comes to big picture things. I can go with the flow when trying to figure out things like where to go for dinner or what to do on a vacation. However, this is not exactly how I am when the matter is something like my career.
Lately, I’ve been in a panic not because I don’t have a plan. I’m in a panic because I don’t know where my plan is going anymore. The last couple weeks has been a flurry of applying to internships and interviews mixed in with stress and anxiety. Some days I feel insane from checking my email every five minutes for a response and other days I would wake up terrified from a stress dream I had (most of my stress dreams involve me getting rejected from a job and being enveloped by a black hole).
I know this may seem crazy that I’m so stressed out about something that will probably be so trivial in the long run. Yet, right now from how I see it, it isn’t. Everything that we do contributes to the bigger picture. Everything we do matters in one way or another. In my mind, whether or not I get a great internship this summer will have a domino effect on my career as a journalist.
I think this way due to the fact that I’m constantly aware I am the event planner of my life, that I have a show to run successfully. Having a plan matters to me because my plans have always accounted for more than myself. I want to do well for not only myself but for my future kids and my aging parents. As much as I’m responsible for my own happiness, I’m also aware that I’m responsible for a part of their well being too.
Trust me, I’m fully aware that plans change and that flexibility is necessary for success. I’m slowly working on trying not to put too much pressure on myself and only enough to keep the drive needed to survive this tough business that is journalism. At the end of the day, I’m writing this post since I can’t figure out a better way to work out this mess inside my head.
If nothing else, there’s at least one thing I can be sure of, writing will always be a part of the plan.
Bloody hell and best wishes,