Going through a breakup is never easy. Period. What I didn’t realize is that watching other people go through a breakup isn’t so easy either. Especially when it’s parallel to something you’ve experienced seven months earlier. It hits just a little too close to home. Way too fucking close. We automatically want to find someone, something or just anything to blame. In the heat of the moment, the easiest person to blame is always the other party. You’re fueled by the anger of your friends and your own frustrations.
“He was never good to you.”
“She should of tried harder.”
“It was totally their fault.”
But, then the initial shock begins to wear off and we’re left with our thoughts wandering aimlessly. We try to rethink the whole situation and pin point when and why it went all wrong. My brain comes to the conclusion that somewhere along the line, I messed up. That thought haunts me for longer than I’m proud to admit. It’s as simple as that, I messed up.
I find that when you try to express that opinion to your friends, they usually slam back harder with fingers pointed at your ex. I can’t exactly blame for them doing so. You’ve been hurt and they want someone to pay for it, to blame. Of course it can’t be your fault. To them you’re flawless, can do no harm intentionally, and your ex is clearly the monster. This approach is all too familiar.
However, what if there’s no one to blame? I wish I could say that I came to this conclusion sooner than I did. It’s taken me some time, but I’ve put my pride aside, mustered up some courage and have come to the conclusion that sometimes no one is at fault. That’s right ladies and gents, it’s no one’s fault.
No one. Not one single person.
I know, what a crazy concept to be throwing out into the wild world we live in. Just because we can come to that conclusion, doesn’t always mean that we accept it. It can take us days, weeks, or even months to finally accept that no one is at fault. The skeptics out there will question me as to why, so, I’ll try my best to answer.
The first thing on my list to address is the fact that people change on their own. Feelings can change on their own. It might not actually really be anyone’s fault. Decisions are made to keep people together or to have them fall apart. The only problem with that is sometimes we don’t notify people of our decisions. Sometimes we don’t even notify ourselves. Thoughts in our minds start to develop subconsciously and then by the time we’re conscious of them, we’re scared shitless to confront our choices. And that’s unfair. In fact, no only is it unfair, it’s pretty damn rude.
It is only at that point can we actually put some blame onto them. We should not blame them for the decisions they make, but rather for not notifying the people they affect of their decisions. If there are doubts, even a sliver of it, man (or woman) up and say it out loud. Your fear has consequences that you will not have to suffer. The backlash of your fear will leave scars on someone else that may take longer than expected to heal.
The second thing to address is that people have different definitions of what it is to love someone or be in a relationship or be a decent human being. We may come to the conclusion that maybe the things we want with our significant other isn’t what they want. And that’s okay. I believe that a lot of the times a relationship comes to a fork in the road where we decide whether we continue to grow together or we grow apart. At times that fork may come years into the relationship and at other times it comes weeks into it. We don’t choose when it happens, it just happens.
The last and final thing that I’d like to address is that frustration and anger blinds us. It makes us feel an unwanted wrath that we have no clue where to place. I’ve heard the phrase “it’s not you its me” or “I just don’t know what I want right now” thrown around like soccer balls on a field. I find that many people seem to take these phrases and translate them to “it’s me not you” and “I just don’t want you right now”. What I’ve come to realize is that maybe when they say “it’s not you its me” or “I just don’t know what I want right now”, that’s actually what they might mean. They don’t know what they want. You know what you want. That doesn’t make it anybody’s fault.
People hurt people. People make bad decisions. People get scared. We shouldn’t let these actions define who they are and most of all we shouldn’t let their actions define who we are.
I will admit, I was angry for very long time. I was upset. I felt as if I had been blindfolded with affection and care, only to see that it’s true form was fear and deceit. However, every situation is as I make it. I can choose to see my exes as evil and conniving people who caused me nothing but harm. Or, I can choose to see them as people who were confused and afraid. I can say that they brought me nothing but pain and misery. Or, I can say that they taught me more about love and relationships than I could ever learn on my own. I can say that it was their fault completely. Or, I can say that in the end, no one is to blame.
Bloody hell and best wishes,