Right now, I really should be writing my term paper or one of the many papers I have lined up for the rest of the semester. Instead, I’ve become fully invested in finishing Scandal and skimming the internet for further distractions (I really should be diving more into Margaret Fuller’s life). While researching distractions, I discovered that John Green has a Tumblr blog for every book he’s written.
On these blogs, he answers commonly asked questions by readers and gives the best response he can. There has been an a word that has stuck with me for the past couple days and I can’t seem to get it out of my head in the minutes before I sleep, in the moments when I’m walking home.
Ambiguity. It’s as simple and complicated as that. Green writes that “Finding a way to live with that ambiguity matters” and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about that thought. Lately, I’ve been obsessed with being organized. Not organized in a way where my clothes are all put away and the dishes are all done. There’s a black planner that I’ve been using to try and plan out my days, keep track of when things are due and what I need to do.
Every week, I make a list of “things I need to do this week” and I follow it. I’m trying to lay out the steps to ensure that I have things together for the next week, next month, next summer. I don’t think there’s ever been a time in my life where I’ve worked so hard towards something. What is this something you may ask, well I’m still figuring that out.
That’s where the ambiguity seems to lay. There are only so many plans one can layout and even with that, things go wrong and plans change. The other thing is that the past is scattered with ambiguity. Sometimes, I think about what would have happened if I made different choices, if I had done the right thing (does anyone really ever do the right thing?). I don’t think anyone really enjoys living with ambiguity. I certainly don’t.
Yet, here I am, clearly living with ambiguity. So, I’ve been thinking about how the hell do I get around this? I want to say that the way to get around it is to plan things out. But, deep down I know that’s not how it works.
Maybe the best way to get around this is to accept that it happens, that ambiguity exists. It is unavoidable. I believe that every person wants to think they are a good person. We inherently want to make the right decisions, the good decisions. Whether that is true or if it really happens is a different story.
I’ve made plenty of bad decisions in my life, some that I regret more than others. There are questions I still have that I know cannot and will not be answered. It’s unfair, but to who? It’s unfair to me because I know I deserve answers, but I think it’s more unfair that I’m allowing myself to be swallowed by ambiguity. Ambiguity exists to prove that answers will not always be given just because you want them, or even if you need them.
I will not always make good decisions or get all the answers I want or have life planned out. I shouldn’t. We need ambiguity to remind ourselves that answers are not always the key to happiness.
Bloody Hell and Best Wishes,