Getting lost is no new concept for me. Mostly, I get lost in parking garages and dark roads cluttered with frighteningly large trees. But, lately I’ve been feeling lost in other senses. As my twenties are just around the corner, I feel lost more than ever about everything including my career, my relationships, and my sanity.
Let’s start off with my career (or lack of). I’m still a relatively new journalist even if I have been a writer for most of my life. Recently, I found a notebook that was filled with the scribbles of a 12-year-old Robin. It featured a story of a girl detective and a mystery that was never solved because it was never written. I think about a quarter of the way into it, I told myself I’d come back to it and just never did. I’ve always been the type of person to get lost in new ideas and as a result, other ideas are left unfinished.
I’m realizing that being a journalist means that you can’t leave things unresolved. In fact, you solve things and then you go beyond and find new problems to solve about the same thing. Keeping focus is key and the freedom to be lost without consequences is no longer a privilege that I have. As a writer, my job is to lead readers out of the darkness but how can I, when I am still lost in the woods?
In a sense, I’m feeling this same sort of lost in my relationships. People evolve, situations change, and no one has the perfect formula for how relationships should grow. Sometimes, people fail to change together and as a result, relationships no longer work out. I’ve come to terms with that for a long time now, but it doesn’t make it any easier to have to go through the process of shedding old relationships and starting new ones. I feel lost in the sense that I’m not sure who will stay and who will leave anymore.
Most of all, coming out of this whole debacle, I feel like I’m slowly losing my sanity. From overthinking to over worrying, my sanity is in jeopardy of being flushed away. The only thing that really keeps me afloat is being able to be lost in moments. It’s when I feel lost in moments that I feel this peace surround me. To me, being lost in a moment is forgetting everything else that matters except whatever is in front of you, happening, thriving, living. So rarely are we able to let our minds feel this freedom.
These past couple of months at home have allowed me to experience beautiful, fleeting moments to be lost in. I can safely say being lost in moments may be the best and only way I ever want to feel lost. Alas, life is never that simple (unless you’re a baby or a dog and unfortunately I am neither). I know that I will never stop feeling as if I’m lost in the complex maze of life whether I’m 19 or 99, and I’m coming to terms with it (or at least I’m trying to).
For now, I’ll work on crafting a map out of this maze and enjoy the moments where being lost isn’t so bad.
Bloody hell and best wishes,